Top Ten Annoying Things About The Internet

Just an idle rant protesting the things that make me mad while I'm browsing the Web. If you have any peeves I missed, please let me know.

The back-button disabler. I hate dumbasses who override my back button so their site stubbornly pops up again when I'm trying to get back to whatever I was looking at before. Like I'm trying to leave your crappy site, but you think you can persuade me to stay by hijacking my browser? That's like WalMart locking you in until you buy something. F*** you!

Pop-unders. This weasely work around for the pop-up blocker is sad and pathetic being as the only attention pop-unders ever get from me are the wasted seconds it takes to click them away when quitting my browser. Pop-ups are like obnoxious sales guys but pop-unders are more like those survey people you see in the mall who only ever get to say "Excuse me..." before you walk straight past them.

Flash intros. Like Radiohead or Bill Clinton, these animated diversions were cool during the late 90s/early 00s. Now they're just annoying. Anything that gives you an option to skip it shouldn't exist in the first place. Like it should say 'Click here to skip intro if you're not a big loser for whom time has no meaning'.

The over-enhanced blog page. I hate lunkheads who fill their blogs with so many widgets and add-ons that their page takes 4 days to open or just crashes my browser while I'm waiting for an unresponsive script to load.

MySpace. This post-apocalyptic, virus-ridden Mad Max wasteland of the web is responsible for killing more PCs than Bill Gates. What started as a neat idea, has grown exponentially more valuable the more crappy it gets (currently worth $500 million to $1.2 billion). The free market? Go figure.

LinkedIn. I Google the person I haven't spoken to in years because I lost their contact details, find them on 'free-to-join' LinkedIn, then get told I need to 'upgrade my account' (i.e., pay) to actually contact them. F*** you, LinkedIn and your carny style bait-and-switch!

The 'Are You Sure You Want To Close This Window?' Java pop-up. This irritating tactic, a more advanced version of the back button kidnap routine, tries to stop me quitting some redirect page I didn't even ask for (usually to do with online poker or mail-order brides) by giving me the option of clicking 'OK' or 'Cancel'. Irritatingly, both buttons do the exact same thing - nothing.

The 'Sign up now' to do anything site. I already have to remember 15,000 freaking passwords and usernames and now you want me to start yet another account just to read a story in the NYT or see Verne Troyer getting head? F*** you!

The talking sales rep. That Flash movie of the animated talking person on your home page might be impressive from a tech standpoint, but all it does is creep me out. It also sends me diving for the mute button when I'm trying to listen to iTunes while browsing and some booming robo-voice cuts in to 'welcome me' to some site or other.

The 'You've won something' gif. This migraine-inducing relic of the 90s sucks majorly. How am I supposed to read anything with that obnoxious gif constantly blinking in my peripheral vision?