Random Picture of The Day

You know you've made it as a world-class idiot when your f*ck ups become the stuff of mainstream memes. Users of the iPhone Yelp app have been getting this update message making fun of Perry's recent "oops, there goes my candidacy" moment.

Is Rick Perry Insane?

In a recent interview, Rick Perry told Occupy Wall Street demonstrators not to think about money so much. "Just find your passion," said Perry. "Stop thinking about money."

Perry has taken to acting like a lunatic with considerable aplomb. I don't think it's unfair to wonder if he really is one.

Paging Doctor Freud... Conservative Idiocy on the Analyst's Couch

Emperor Merciless Dufus declines another clemency plea.

Saturday morning ruminations on conservative idiocy...

By Freud's reckoning, still the prevailing theory for explaining how the mind works, the ego is the part of the mind that represents organization, logic, realism, while the id (the root of idiocy) represents chaos, illogicality and raw impulse. In civilized societies, we consciously suppress the id and nurture the ego to stop everything running off the rails... only little kids, lunatics and average conservatives are unshy about freeing the "lizard brain" impulses of the id. So conservatives quite literally are idiots. See? Simple ain't it?

Need more convincing? Try watching a highlight reel of the Republican debate the other night.

I was struck by how the whole thing boiled down to a struggle between Romney (in Freudian terms, the conservative super ego) and Perry (the conservative id) for the "soul" of the party. And it was depressing. Given several thousand years of human civilization, it was sad to see how little progress some folks have made and how easily the conserva-id seemed to win. Even within the supposedly elevated environs of the Reagan Library, even with a hand-picked audience of camera-friendly, non-drooling conservatives, the id/mob mentality was much in evidence. For example:

When NBC’s Brian Williams asked Perry the question about the death penalty and pointed to the 234 executions he'd authorized as governor – even before Perry answered – the Republican debate crowd erupted in applause for the governor’s actions.

Yes. Even a "reasonable" crowd of privileged, comparatively informed conservatives cheered like a blood-crazed mob at the mere mention of killing people. They didn't pause to wonder how many of Perry's 234 executions were de facto murders given the statistical inevitability that a fair few were the executions of entirely innocent people. They didn't even pause to wonder WWJD..? Nope. These suburban moms, small business owners and golf-playing retirees cheered like a crowd at the Coliseum saluting emperor Perry and his willingness to throw down his thumb.

So does anyone outside the MSM bubble really believe these literal idiots will ever get around to considering the policies of the various GOP candidates? Not a hope in hell. They just want Caesar Augustus... and they want the rest of us to bypass our own egos and be just as f*cking conservative dumb as they are. Good luck 'Merica!

On The Campaign Trail With Rick [insert hair pun] Perry

Oh who am I trying to kid... I tried. God knows I tried again to get mad about Rick Perry's dribblingly insane talking yelling points. I even took a look at his hair-brained "ideas" for whitetrashing the Constitution but... I honestly can't take this crap seriously enough to flip my wig. His policy ideas are so nuts, it's like they were scrawled in feces by a spider monkey with heat stroke (incidentally, we are on our third month of 100+ here in Texas).

So it's back to the hair... What is it? Does it have a super power? Can it be president? Are America's racists still so sulky about the black prez they'd vote for hair? If so, there will be hell toupee.

Rick Perry: All Wig, No Cattle

I can't get angry about Rick Perry. Sure, he's a typical conservative Machiavellian moron regurgitating red meat for the knuckledraggers... but he's just such a f*cking void, such a simpering giant wad of nothing. He's like human helium, like Ramen noodles passed off as a brisket sandwich, like a Klan robe Snuggy... so bland he may well qualify as the Regis Philbin of reactionary d*ckheads.

In fact Perry is so yawn-inducingly dull, the only thing I've so far Googled on him is his hair status. How does a 61-year-old end up with the hair of a young Fonz? Where's the male-pattern baldness? The gray..? I guess I'm not alone in being curious about Perry's only feature: Try typing "Rick Perry Wig". There are currently 124,000 Google results. And yet no conclusive word on whether he carries a piece.

Final thought: will Perry and Romney skip the candidate debates and go straight to a hair off?

Rick Perry: Next Worst President Ever?

So Rick Perry is running for president. Jeez, another developmentally challenged Texas governor in the White House? Please. I know it sounds scientifically impossible, but this nematode is actually less of a statesman than Bush II - he'd actually be a step down from Bush... Wrap your head round that sh*t.

Do Perry's backers not realize that US president and Texas governor are very different jobs? All he has to do as governor is stand in front of flags, crayon smiley faces on whatever bill the chamber of commerce draws up for him and generally stay out of everybody's way. But president??? Presidents are obliged to make decisions and weigh consequences - stuff that's totally anathematic to a pandering knee-jerk poseur such as he. Rick Perry running for president would be like putting a golden retriever on Jeopardy. Even Republicans have standards. Kinda...

Rick Perry's Redneck La La Land

Imagine a state running the gamut from right wing small guv'minters to far right wing small guv'minters all united by a common grudge against the federalist nig'ra lovers who stomped their confederation 150+ years ago.

Then imagine the irony: the state that eschews big guv'mint like the pox also has as governor one of the most successful career civil servants of all time - Rick Perry. This sleazebag dedicated himself to big guv'mint bureacracy and became a millionaire on the public payroll. Yet Perry is still a hero to large swathes of Texans who'd presumably vote for a chimpanzee in a stetson as long as it kept up the spiel about "small government" from behind its gold-plated desk in big Government HQ, Austin.

As if that wasn't enough, we now have said chimp in stetson threatening to run for US President because, I guess, the expense account's more generous and the free car is way cooler. But ain't it weird that a guy who flirted with secession now wants to be prez? Yes... Rick Perry wants to be president of a country he doesn't want his state to be part of. Get yer head round that one.

Texas Gun Lunacy

The Rick Perry posse in Austin has passed a bill allowing "legislators, statewide elected officials, some former legislators and some state employees to carry their concealed weapons into churches, hospitals, bars, sporting events — even if a sign is posted saying weapons are prohibited." Next up is the passage of insane legislation to allow students to carry guns on campus. Just say the phrase "armed frat boys" in your head... foresee any problems?

Random (Moving) Picture Of The Day

Rick Perry's never been the sharpest tool in the box. But this Freudian slip? Ha!

Don't Mess With Texas. We Have That Covered Already...

This is what politics looks like in Texas - Rick Perry spokesman Mark Miner calls a press conference.

A while back, Texas decided to offer same-sex couples the chance to get divorced. Then the logical paradox hit them and they've now quit offering annulments for marriages that don't actually exist in the first place under state law:

"Texas law, as embodied in our constitution and statutes, requires that a valid marriage must be a union of one man and one woman, and only when a union comprises one man and one woman can there be a divorce under Texas law."

Then of course, there was that 'doh!' moment last year when Texas Republicans were so hasty to craft laws banning gay marriage in advance that they accidentally banned all marriages by forgetting to specify the same sex part. Jobs? Infrastructure? Education? Nope. This is the dumb sh*t red state lawmakers prefer to waste time and money on.

If you ever wondered what would happen if you went away and left your 8-year-old in charge of the house, just take a look at what goes on in Austin. It's pretty much the same scenario. For all his 'fiscal responsibility' posing, Governor Rick Perry is currently facing an $18 billion budget shortfall (i.e., nearly the same as California for a state with only two-thirds the population). We've got activist loons dictating school text book content to make slavery more appealing and Thomas Jefferson less important. And what's the best the Dems can offer in response? A guy in a chicken suit calling out Perry for being "too chicken" to debate.

Yup. It would be hard to find a way to mess with Texas that our wise elders aren't already doing.

Republican Ass Biter

Charles Hurth III is a lawyer and Republican agitator. That makes him a double-strike sleazebag and an unnecessary drain on the planet's oxygen supply. But there's more...

He's also what you might call a serial butt-biter, with a well-publicized track record of sinking his teeth into the rumps of college coeds... He was sued in 1987 for approaching a fellow law student in a bar and biting her on the buttocks so hard that she required medical attention. During the trial, Hurth admitted that he'd used the same toothy overture to approach two other women at fraternity parties—and he said that his latest victim should have taken the gesture as a compliment.

Last month, Hurth and two other GOP ninjas were implicated in a plot to bankroll a petition to put the Green Party on the gubernatorial ballot in Texas. It was an apparent ploy to siphon votes away from Rick Perry's Democratic challenger Bill White.

So not only do these wingnut con artists suck ass, they also appear to bite it too.

Governor Asshat

Says TPM:

"Gov. Rick Perry of Texas is suing the Environmental Protection Agency in a bid to stop it from regulating global warming pollution. The centerpiece of his argument? Those leaked "Climate-Gate" emails."

says commenter GTFOOH at TPM:

"I could write a thesis about this, but it only needs one word: ASSHAT!"

Not even a foot of snow in one day in Dallas/Fort Worth last week seems to have made Perry pause for thought. It's only the first time ever that's happened... so nothing to see here, move along.

If Obama mentioned that the earth was round, you get the feeling Republicans like Perry would start cranking the flat earth theory. Then, naturally, the MSM pundits would present it as an equally valid opinion.

The Trouble With Texas

"According to federal statistics released last week, 16.3 percent of Texas households lack regular access to adequate nutrition or face hunger nightly. The percentage of so-called "food insecure" households in Texas is more than 4 points higher than the national average of 12.2 percent, ranking Texas ahead of only Mississippi."

While Texas languishes in second place as America's hungriest state, first place as America's least insured state and fifth place as America's most poverty-stricken state, what does our governor have on his mind?

According to Perry's Web site "the greatest threat to our future is a porous and unsecured border".

Nothing to do with kids going hungry, no access to heathcare or poverty then? Or do we blame all of that on the "illegals"?

The CIA estimates the Mexican poverty rate at 13.8%. Texas is currently on 16.2%. So don't worry, Rick, those illegals'll probably start reverse emigrating pretty darned soon.

Governor Dumbass

Fellow Texans: There's a 50/50 chance your governor thinks you're a traitor. But he wants your vote anyway...

Obama lost by 3,528,633 to 4,479,328 votes in Texas. This means a hell of a lot of Texans supported Obama - many more than would have been expected in one of America's most reflexively red states.

But our dumbass Governor pays no heed to shifting demographics and the finer nuances of public opinion. Facts and policies are for fags I guess. Instead, the idiot is campaigning for reelection on this platform:

"Stand Up To Washington. Join Together and Help Governor Rick Perry Fight Socialism Today."

So the 3,528,633 Texans who voted for Obama are Socialist enemies of America? Here's hoping the 'insult half the electorate, patronize the other half with infantile bullcrap' strategy Perry has adopted crashes and burns.

Then again his main rival, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, isn't exactly taking the high road either:

"A web site for the gubernatorial campaign of Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) included hidden phrases including "rick perry gay," a reporter from the Austin American-Statesman discovered today."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry... The political future of America's largest state is being decided on the basis of whether voters hate imaginary gays more than they hate imaginary socialists.

Time For a Socialist Pit Stop

Once upon a time, a 1970s underpants model mated with Lou Ferrigno and their offspring became governor of Texas.

Rick Perry says the Obama administration is "hell-bent on taking America towards a socialist country." Oh really? Are we going to be Sweden?

Let me tell you, Rick, if Obama was a Socialist, I'd notice and I'd be applauding. After 8 years of Bush's corporate Socialism masquerading as conservatism, a little genuine Socialism would work wonders for America. We could get the middle class back in the game, claw back some of those tax cuts and reinstate the societal norm of one person working one job to own a house and support a family. In short, we'd be back to that Socialist utopia we enjoyed under the... err... Eisenhower administration when the top tax rate was 88% and unemployment was under 3%.

I'm not suggesting we go Socialist full-time - I'd rather not dine on beets and black bread before heading back for a 20 hour shift at the tractor factory - I'm just saying we could sure use some big government intervention round about now. Then we could hand our newly invigorated America back to the freemarket and give corporate interests and dodgy bankers another decade or so to run it into the ground again. Fix, break, and repeat.

Rick Perry may be a dumbass. But he has smarts enough to know that accusations of Socialism work with the base because the base has no clue what Socialism actually is. But the reality is that most otherwise conservative democratic governments around the world embrace Socialist ideas to varying degrees. Even America does (i.e., public education, public transport, Medicare, Social Security, etc.) but we pretend it's evil.