That's So Gay

How gay is Wasilla? So gay they didn't even want their high school jazz choir singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" because Freddy Mercury was gay. Like, OMG...

WHS Principal Dwight Probasco reportedly had received complaints from at least one parent that the 1975 hit written by Freddie Mercury wasn’t appropriate for the ceremony simply because Mercury was gay.

But sanity eventually prevailed. After some argument, the song is now back on the program - only minus the verse that sings about killing a man in case that offends anyone (in Alaska?).

Anyway, I'll now look forward to conservatives everywhere embracing a strict gay embargo - and wish them luck finding anything to watch on TV or listen to on the radio that hasn't had a gay hand in it's making. But if all that gayness enrages them, they could always jump online and start blogging. Oops... maybe not. See, computers are gay because they were invented by Alan Turing and the Web is homosexual too because it was invented by Tim Berners Lee.

Now if someone could just find evidence that the English language itself was invented by a flamboyant Saxon named Julien, maybe we could shut these f*ckwits up once and for all.

Liberal is a Lonely Word

Remember the Bush years? Those were scary times to live through. On an almost daily basis, Bush 43 and his special-ed Jedis worked on stomping individual freedoms while planning future disasters they mistook for ingenious ideas. It was like being in the back of some giant station wagon being driven by stoners. And most of the 'Merican kids in the back had caught passive highs and were just as dumb-f*cked as the driver. But there was always hope even then. There were always solid, unequivocal voices of opposition to defy the madness.

In the early aughts, the liberals presented an alternative agenda of sanity and there was always a chance that the stubbornly deluded public would listen. One day, they might be made to see sense if we just kept trying... Maybe America would make the wagon pull over and hand the keys to the folks who kept patiently pointing out how god-awfully wrong the Republicans were about everything. Cue: 2008.

But Obama sold us a giant lemon and scuttled off quickly to stage right leaving a trail of abandoned campaign promises in his wake... (No. I'm not going to go on again about what a disappointment Obama has been. I'm over that stage in the grieving process. You can take that as read.) I'll just say I'm feeling pretty damn lonely these days and under-represented. Who the hell is speaking for me?

For a time, there was hope in Wisconsin. There was a very real possibility that Scott Walker and the Koch suckers had met their class war Little Big Horn. But no. That hope seems to have evaporated leaving behind only a greasy miasma of animus directed at teachers and other hard-working, productive members of society. The battle seems lost. We seem to have surrendered and just layed down in a self-hating fug to wait for the GOP/corporatist juggernaut to roll over us... Where are the voices to remind us that we should get up and fight for our own interests? Where are the people with power and patience enough to get us to stand up? Where'd they go???

Yes. It's been a bad week for liberals.

All the smug little conservative Quislings have delighted in reminding us that America is not a democracy, it's a republic, so we should quit bitching and let Scott Walker can do whatever he likes. But where are the big guns on our side? Why isn't every voice on the """liberal""" media speaking up? Do we still have Liberal advocates for the people? No. Only mute a**holes it seems.

Like...

Obama announces that the Bush-era dungeons will stay open for business and, with a big pinch of Stalinesque logic, tells us that the guys in Gitmo with no evidence against them will have to stay forever because they can't be tried in court. Fine. If 'terrorist' has become the new 'witch' and if Gitmo is the new Salem... throw that Muslim in the river! If he drowns, he's innocent. If he floats, he must be a terrorist! Barack Obama: Liberal advocate for the people? No. Such a giant a**hole even Fox News are 'morally outraged'.

And then...

NPR execs get Acorned by James O'Keefe (it's like being tea-bagged only nastier). But where are the grown-ups? Who's speaking out for the liberals and for common f*cking sense? I'm sorry, NPR, but if you're so lame, so amateur and so powerless you can be brought down by O'Keefe's pathetic sting op, you deserve to be defunded. NPR: Liberal advocates for the people? No. Giant supine a**holes.

And and then...

Carl Kruger, gay Democrat state senator from Brooklyn, and his live-in bottom get busted for bribery. Ironically, it's the same Carl Kruger who fought so valiantly against civil rights for gay folks by helping bring down same-sex marriage in New York. Carl Kruger: Liberal advocate for the people? No. A giant hypocritical a**hole.

OK... I've had enough. I'm sure even more supposed liberal advocates for the people have shriveled like old party balloons this week and helped grease the wheels for the corporatist juggernaut. But I'm too frigging depressed to think about it any more.

It's the early aughts all over again: let's just shut up, inhale and let the stoned driver get on with driving the station wagon into the nearest brick wall.

Bryan Fischer: Get Help

Wingnut blogger Bryan Fischer is blaming the whole Wikileaks thing on the gays. Because Bradley Manning, the US Army intelligence analyst who passed those hot docs onto Wikileaks, is "openly gay". Case closed. With zero evidence, Fischer says:

Manning was, at a minimum, seriously confused about his sexuality, and at worst, launched the WikiLeaks campaign to strike back at the military for its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which he vehemently opposed.

As usual, this conservative is obsessed with homosexuality. He sees gays at partnering with Muslims and Mexicans to destroy the world. He's frigging insane.

So, again with the Freud, is it weird that a 'straight' guy like Fischer would spend so much time obsessing about the gays? I wonder if he'll ever step out of that maximum security closet he's built for himself, come to terms with his own sexuality and quit acting like a giant jerk. Have you heard the guy? He sounds like Mr Ed channeling Liberace. If he ain't gay, hell, I'll suck a d*ck.

Gay Ibises & "Straight" Conservatives

When it comes to 'choice' there's only one that conservatives seem to support: the supposed "choice" not to be gay.

But this whole notion of choosing whether or not to be gay has always baffled me. And it seems to get everywhere. Here's a for instance: MSNBC posts a story "Study says pollution makes birds gay" describing how scientists have concluded excess levels of mercury pollution are responsible for turning white ibises in Florida gay. Odd? Yes. Something of a thinker? Maybe. But if you were a "gay = choice" conservative, you might respond like this guy:

"Please. another flawed experiment to fool libtards into believing gay is not a choice."

So said some random conservative type venting his spleen in the comments section. So... let's skip past the 'everything-scientists-say-is-somehow-part-of-a-liberal-plot-to-take-over-the-world' bullcrap and ponder instead the subtext. Like most knuckle draggers, this guy's absolutely convinced being gay is a choice. So, basically, he's implying he'd happily suck a d*ck too but because he's "straight", he exercises self control and chooses not to? How the hell does that work?

As a straight guy I've never been attracted by some sagging scrotum glimpsed through the steam in a locker room. I've never felt a primordial stirring of my loins seeing that virtual Macy's Day parade of ass tops in the Home Depot plumbing aisle. I've never sprouted a guilty boner while polishing the shaft of my rifle... In short, I'm attracted to women not men. There's no choice, no decision-making process. It's just the way it is for me.

I'm no Freud, but perhaps the "gay = choice" thing is informed by the believer's own internal struggle to stay "straight", the conflict between their bicurious yin and their bigoted yang...

So do conservatives hate gays because they see them as weak for giving in to temptation? Or are "straight" conservatives just jealous that gays are having their c*ck and eating it too? Either way, they seem to think gay guys are just straight guys who just fell off the wagon. It's just plain weird.

DADT: Conservatives Think The Troops Are P*ssies

Picture courtesy of the Fried Wire archives...

John McCain is still burning up government time on the (literally) no-brainer issue of DADT. For him, repealing this dumb policy would be "premature".

Man, it really makes me laugh how conservatives like McCain push 'support our troops' into some kind of militarist religion but happily insult those same troops by projecting their own homophobic neuroses onto them. Every time some bigoted tw*t starts yapping about DADT, the implication is that the troops are just too fragile, too overly sensitive to mix it up with gays. Like they can dodge bullets, risk death every day but can't handle the idea of sharing a shower with a gay dude in case he catches a glimpse of their wiener? It's truly pathetic.

Douche bag McCain, more than anyone else, needs to man up, shut up and get psychiatric counseling instead of seeking to rationalize his own phobias by dressing them up as policy arguments. Can you imagine that Geico ad with R. Lee Ermey yelling at McCain "You know what makes me sad? You do, you homophobic jack wagon!"

Just as with racism, I no longer see the viciousness so much. Granted, I'm neither gay or non-white so I do have the luxury of detachment. But from my perspective, all I see are scared, inadequate little people who should be more pitied than despised. All these 'isms' and the 'ists' who perpetuate them are just pathetic.

Family Research Council Finally Awarded Hate Group Status

The Family Research Council has made it to the bigot's Hall of Fame: They've been officially labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Not before time I'd say...

But if the FRC can be called a hate group, where do we stop? Almost every "conservative" group in this country operates with the same M.O. They may project wholesome, patriotic American-ness, but they're all about discrimination, about the demonizing and disenfranchisement of minorities and the empowerment of the white, Protestant master race. Show me a "conservative" group and I'll show you a house-broken KKK.

So why not call the Tea Party a hate group? Why not the whole damn' Republican party? Why not any group that uses wedge issues and bullying to advance its own agenda to the detriment of the common good? At least we could stop calling 'conservatives' patriots. They hate non-white Americans. They hate non-heterosexual Americans. They hate non-Christian Americans. Hell, they hate so many different kinds of Americans you could say they hate America itself based on the stats.

Conservatives like the FRC's Tony Perkins argue that opposition to gay rights - the shtick that got them labeled as a hate group - should not be considered hate. Apparently, there are two sides to the "debate" on whether or not some people should be denied civil rights. Ah... remind you of anything? Gay rights advocate Dan Savage says it best:

"There was once two sides to the race debate. There was once a side, you could go on television and argue for segregation, you could argue against interracial marriage, against the Civil Rights Act, against extending voting rights to African Americans, and that used to be treated as one side . . . of a pressing national debate, and it isn't anymore. And we really need to reach that point with gay and lesbian issues. There are no 'two sides' to the issues about gay and lesbian rights."

We could go further and say there were once "debates" about whether Indians could be regarded as human, whether slavery was wrong or right, whether Jews could run for public office, whether women should vote. And history doesn't exactly smile fondly on the conservatives who played defense on those issues. So we can either label the hate groups now. Or wait a few decades for history to do it anyway.

Chipping Away at Hypocrisy, One Closet at a Time...

Jim Swilley, Georgia megapastor, has come out. Another anti-gay Christian finally emerges from the closet and tries to put a lifetime of hypocrisy behind him. Swilley claims that the Rutgers University student suicide in September made him rethink his position:

"At a certain point, you are who you are... My position is not about gaying up the church, it's about people being who they are."

Fine. But I'm still amazed how guys like Swilley can stomach the stiflingly judgmental environments of the organizations they choose to belong to - either before or after they decide to cop to being gay. Like Log Cabin Republicans, what makes a person want to collaborate with an organization that seeks to punish them, either through withholding civil rights or through hell fire and damnation? Hypocrisy aside, it's just plain weird.

America: Never Beaten By The Gays

One of the most embarrassing examples of straw-clutching dumbassery ever, courtesy of former Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Hugh Shelton defending DADT:

[Shelton] suggested Sunday that gays shouldn't be able to openly serve in the US military because no country with openly serving gays has ever defeated the US.

He's right. Any historian will tell you that America's war with Gayistan was a rout. Remember the battle of Ikea when we defeated their crack Pink Guards with our classic 'don't drop the soap' strategy?

Former Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Hugh Shelton is either very high or he's a f*cking idiot.

Random Picture of The Day

This map shows the frequency of straight visitors to dating site OK Cupid who are "interested" in same sex hook-ups. The bluer areas show fewer and the redder areas more. No surprise that bi-curiosity ain't big in Mississippi or Alabama where curiosity of any kind can stil get you found dead in a ditch. But how Brokeback is Oregon and why? How closeted are Arizona's Maricopa and Pima counties? Weird.

Guns, C*cks N' Texas

Here's a weird but predictable story from Texas:

A Texas bank has created a new rule allowing concealed-handgun owners in the building... "No damn Yankee is going to tell us what to do," said [bank president Ed] Smith. "I got to thinking we have a right to bear arms," said Smith. "People who have a conceal carry license are welcome here with their pistols." The premise is boldly stated on the front door. "Management recognizes the 2nd amendment to the U.S. Constitution," the sign reads.

If you're a "damn Yankee" or any other kinda foreigner, you might think a bank inviting its customers to carry concealed weapons is a little odd. From a common-sense perspective, there isn't much. So what could drive a guy to want to override the natural laws of self-preservation and bring in this crazy rule? How does it make sense?

First off, don't worry, I'm not going to go all anti-gun. There's a clear distinction between gun owners and gun nuts and I recognize that. It's just that some people take things too far into weird and leave you wondering what underlying psychological problem drives their obsession. I know it's corny, but I often wonder if gun crazies secretly like c*ck. There. I said it.

Don't you ever wonder how much sublimated gayness abounds amongst the gun fetishists like the NRA who take the whole thing way out of proportion? How gay-for-guns, how literally queer are guys like Ed Smith? Sorry, but you can't get away from it: Guns are recognized by psychologists as "potent penis symbols". And there are few things a gay guy, closeted or not, likes more than a big, powerful c*ck. Calvin S. Hall writes in "A Cognitive Theory of Dream Symbols":

All of the referents are concrete things, people, or activities, and similarly all of the symbols, as gun for penis, bag for vagina, ploughing for coitus, playing the piano for masturbating, queen for mother, king for father, apple for breast, etc., are concrete things, people, or activities. In short, something concrete, the symbol, is substituted for something else concrete, the referent.

Sure, you can own guns, you can shoot guns, you can even keep them on your nightstand for protection if that makes you sleep easier. That doesn't make you Richard Simmonds in redneck drag. But all them bubbas who talk about little else and spend hour upon hour cleaning and maintaining their guns with loving, masturbatory indulgence? You got to wonder sometimes.

Like, for example, I was reading about "Bohemenian Rhapsody"  yesterday after I wondered idly what the hell that long-ass song was supposed to be about. Interesting trivia fact: some psychologists interpret the song as a metaphorical narrative about Freddie Mercury struggling with and coming to terms with his own sexuality - all told in a suitably flamboyant operatic format:

The narrator explains to his mother that he has "just killed a man", with "a gun against his head" and with that act thrown his life away... Highlighting the phallic nature of guns, Judith Peraino [Cornell University Music Professor] suggests that the song is a "melodrama of homoeroticism".

Like I said, it's corny, but I'm sure some guys play with guns because they can't play with c*cks and they really, really want to. Ain't that a "melodrama of homoeroticism" right there?

If you own a gun and you don't agree with my gay-for-guns theory, maybe laugh a little or call me a liberal douche... fine. But if you own a gun and just the merest suggestion that you could be overcompensating for something makes you want to kill me, just ask yourself if you shouldn't just switch off Fox, go suck a d*ck and be happy. Might make the world a much safer and happier place for both of us.

Oooh... That Congressman Frank!

Apparently, for conservative "family values" group Public Advocate of The United States it's the early 1970s and gay people still mince and pout like those incidental characters they used to wheel out for cheap laughs on sit-coms. Homosexuals even have a special gay font so you don't have to use a manly sans serif when writing about them.

Dammit. How am I supposed to take these family values f*cks seriously as a hate group when they do this kind of sh*t? "Oooh... that Congressman Frank and his "special" rights!"

But it is fun to answer every question on the "American Morality Survey" in the gayest way possible, then sign off using the name and email address of the most short-tempered homophobe you know... Then you can sit back and wonder what kind of new spam they'll be getting. Have fun!

Let Us Do Good To All Men* (Galatians 6:7-10)

*Except the gays.

I was reading some head bangin' Catholic nonsense over at The American Society For The Defense of Tradition, Family and Property and was impressed that even their name sounds like it's meant to be yelled angrily. Much like all the other content on their site. Angry, right-wing Catholics... grrrr!

Among other hot-button issues, they talk about Gay Marriage and, no prizes, they're not big fans. Hardly an eye-opener you might say. A few purple-faced Jeezuz goons think gays are going to hell? Big whoopty doo...

But what did catch my liberal eye was their use of a quote from Galatians saying "God will not be mocked" to back up their anti-gay case. I guess they're suggesting gay folks are mocking God himself every time they do anything gay like throw on a Clay Aiken CD or take it up the a**?

Hmm... now I'm no theology scholar, but it's one thing putting words into God's mouth like these wingnut Christians do everyday of the week and three-times Sunday. But to suggest that God is mocked when people don't toe your line? Man, talk about an Imax-size case of projection. Who really is "mocking God" here?

Can't help thinking God exists for wingnut Christians only as a fantasy version of themselves. He's every bit as small-minded, thin-skinned and hateful as they are. But he gets to run the universe while they only wish they did.

Random Picture of The Day

Bad news for haters: the percentage of Americans who support gay marriage has crossed into the majority for the first time. And produced a suitably d*ck shaped graph in the process.

Gayday, Gayday... Conservative Emergency!

The wingnuts are in a frenzy... the sky has fallen... Prop 8 is overturned and the homosexuals are free to destroy marriage by doing it too! But it's only a straightforward case of civil rights and adherence to the Constitution. So why so angry c*ntservatives and faux Christian haters? I have a theory:

1. You don't believe in sex before marriage
2. But you want to f*ck dudes

Put those two together and you can understand why the average Christian conservative wants to keep gay marriage banned... think about it!

Bigots Fear Anti-Bigot Prejudice

"It's going to discriminate against people of faith who are Christians in their worldview, and I believe with all my heart that they have rights too."
Bellevue Baptist Church Pastor Steven Gaine, Memphis, Tennessee

Seems "Christians" in Memphis are worried that new laws banning discrimination against gays will cramp their style and make them subject to anti-Christian discrimination.

Why is it only in America (and Uganda) that the terms "small-minded, bigoted c*cksucker" and "Christian" seem to be so interchangeable?

A**hole of the Week

Yuma Mayor Al Krieger used the solemn occasion of his Memorial Day speech as an opportunity to take a cheap shot at gays in the military:

"And I cannot believe that a bunch of limp-wristed, lacey-drawed people could do what those men have done in the past."

So said Krieger at the Desert Lawn Cemetery, Yuma, Arizona.

Wow.

We don't how many gay people actually serve in the military thanks to Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

And because of the military's earlier policy of Don't Tell, Don't Get Your Ass Put In Jail, we'll never know just how many layed down their lives in times of war. Al Krieger doesn't know either. But he wants you to know he's quite happy to unzip his fly and take a big, long piss on their graves.

Should play well with the hate-consumed goons who vote Republican these days.

Another Hypocrite Bites The Dust

California state Senator Roy Ashburn is a big supporter of "traditional marriage" and has a 100% anti-gay rights voting record. Said he:

"We need to preserve traditional values for the future of our children. Children must be raised with morals and principles. As a society, we must provide them with a secured and loving environment that allows them to flourish."

I'm sure you can guess the rest... Yup, Ashburn, married father of four, gets pulled over drunk driving a state-owned Tahoe with an "unidentified male passenger" leaving "Faces" gay bar in Sacramento, California. Says TPM:

Here's a look at the votes of Ashburn, a Republican of Bakersfield:

In 2006, he voted no on a measure to add material on the contributions of gay Americans who had contributed to the development of California or the United States

In 2008 he voted against expanding anti-discrimination laws to include sexual discrimination.

In 2009 he voted against a resolution to oppose Prop 8, the anti-gay marriage ballot question.

Last September, he voted against recognizing out-of-state same-sex marriages.

That same month Ashburn opposed creating Harvey Milk Day, to honor the slain gay rights icon from San Francisco.

Shysters like Big Gay Ashburn make me wonder if the word 'hypocrisy' is even adequate. Is there room in the dictionary for 'hypercrisy'?

Anderson Cooper Sued

Anderson Cooper buys a New York firehouse to live in. Then gets sued by his interior designer after she falls through the hole in the floor where the firepole used to be.

Sorry, much as I too would hate to fall through a hole and hit the ground seventeen feet below, these things are a pretty standard in most firehouses. Like... err... what would you expect?

Also strikes me that a gay guy would be hard-pressed to find a gayer building to live in than a firehouse. So a tip of the (leather biker) hat to Anderson for that.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Give a F*ck

As a straight guy, a lot of the debate about gays in the military flies over my poorly styled head. But I think 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' was a well-intentioned kludge on Bubba's part that needs to be dumped in a hurry.

'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' obliges gay soldiers to live second-class careers of subterfuge and routine discrimination while heterosexual soldiers get spousal benefits, married accommodation, all that good stuff. But both parties are equally duty-bound to lay down their lives for their country. How is that fair?

These days, the majority of every polled demo - from Republicans, regular churchgoers through to liberals and progressives - favors openly gay folks serving in the military. So if the Obama admin screws this one up, they really may as well give up.

The Sage Words Of Chuck Grassley

"I’ve got a fulltime job reading bills in Congress without reading the bills in another 190 countries."

Senator Chuck Grassley has become famous for scaring up the teabaggers by claiming every part of the "Obamacare" bill is designed to kill 'Grandma'. Oddly, the geriatric a**hole seems not to give much of a flying f*ck about legislation that really is designed to kill as witnessed by this pathetic dodge when asked about Uganda's 'hang the gays' bill.