Newsmax Phones it in

Newsmax is one giant heap of conserva-lies from beginning to end. But there was a time when at least the lies were slyly crafted and not full of holes big enough to drive a Hummer through. Hell, I wouldn't usually give these cyber Becks a click, but this headline made me take the bait:

Obama's Poll Numbers Plunge as Revolt Against Unions Spreads

Oh my. Could it really be that ordinary folks hate unions sooo much that they're turning away from Obama because of his supposed sympathy for "big labor"? Say it ain't so... well actually it ain't.

President Barack Obama’s numbers have plunged in all 50 states, according to a Gallup poll released Wednesday — overall, the president’s average approval rating fell from 58 percent in 2009 to 47 percent in 2010.

The news came as the revolt against public unions started by Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin showed signs of moving to more states.

Newsmax seems to be phoning it in now. Via a f*cking time machine.

Gingrich Jumps Shark

Looking for the most obnoxious thing Newt Gingrich has ever said is a bit like scooping turds out of an overflowing septic tank trying to find the one that smells worst. But this might be a contender:

"What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?" Gingrich asks. "That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior."

Yup. Gingrich is telling us Obama is too Kenyan. He's not the Harvard grad Chicago sophisticate he may appear to be. He's really a vengeful Mau Mau full of rage against the white oppressor. Like... would this bizarre "wild negro" fantasy sound sane to anyone outside the 19th century (or present-day Mississippi)???

It would seem Gingrich has finally strapped on Fonzy's water skis, barreled up the ramp and soared about three miles over the shark in a desperate attempt to impress those teabagger chicks on the beach.

Impeach Obama, Save The Unicorn

Dropping off my son at school this morning, I got stuck behind a fellow parent sporting one of these "Impeach Obama" bumper stickers. It begged two questions: 1) is our generation destined to be out-dumbed by a future crop of über morons who've grown up listening to this kind of garbage from their parents? and 2) WTF did Obama do anyway?

When I got home, I Googled my way to the "Impeach Obama Petition" (100,000 green crayon signatures and rising) to find out exactly what 'high crimes and misdemeanors' Barry had committed on the sly. There, dressed up in a bunch of fancy Constitution talk and multi-syllabled camouflage, the arguments were:

Article 1: We didn't like him trying to regulate Wall Street.
Article 2: We think he's from Kenya.

Wow. 100,000 signatures for that? This is the best all those who would have had me thrown me in Guantanamo a couple of years ago for wanting Bush impeached can scrape together? It's extra galling too for anyone who resented Obama's 'turning the page' on the transgressions of the previous administration by not indicting Bush. The best we could have hoped for was that some kind of truce would result from that shameful compromise. But, instead, this is the thanks he gets???

There was a gigantic case for impeaching Bush over the myriad ways in which he betrayed the Constitution and the misplaced trust of the American people. Oh I don't know... torture, war crimes, illegal detention, warrantless wiretapping, dumping Habeas Corpus in direct contravention of the Suspension Clause of the US Constitution, blah blah. But the same people who'd argue all that down as liberal hysteria are now demanding Obama be impeached for two bullsh*t reasons they've pulled straight out of their ass?

This is not double standards. For standards to be double, you need some to begin with.

Will The Last One Out Please Turn Off The Lights..?

I hear Canada's nice this time of year. Mexico too if you can speak Spanish and don't mind a little dry heat. But, wherever you may be headed, please could the last non-idiot out of America please turn off the lights?

It's starting to feel like the time has come for people with functioning brains to quit the country and leave the cretins to it. It's too much hard work and, frankly, too embarrassing to stay here... It's time for the dumb to inherit the earth. Or at least our bit of it. Here's why:

A new national poll from Newsweek finds that a majority of Republicans believe Obama wants to impose Shariah law.

Bye... or should I say es salaam alaikum?

Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris Is a F*cking Idiot

Like Clinton not inhaling pot, does our secret Muslim president drink Bud Light but not swallow?

Today at Townhall, Chuck Norris poses the question "President Obama: Muslim Missionary?" Because, I guess, the discourse in this country is not yet dumb enough for Chuck's tastes.

As this pathetic anti-Muslim/pro-Republican propaganda campaign rumbles on, folks like Chuck Norris are pushing the "Obama's a secret Muslim you know" bullsh*t with as much restraint and sense of social responsibility as a drug dealer slinging meth outside a middle school.

Chuck Norris knows 'Merikuns are usefully dumb enough to be scared sh*tless by fantasy threats and exotic boogeymen. And he knows we're way too dumb to pause for thought and say "WTF are you talking about, Chuck Norris?"

Just a thought... If Obama was a Muslim, stealth or otherwise, I'm sure his imam would not be that stoked about his pork and booze consumption. Not to mention his awkward habit of regularly attending Christian church.

Hmm... Did Chuck take one too many roundhouse kicks to the head? Or does he just need several thousand more?

Today's Thoughts of Chairman Limp-Baugh

Oh, Limp-baugh... has the behemoth of dumb ever opened his mouth without a cascade of stupid tumbling out? Today he phoned it in and made some cookie-cutter rant about Obama being "America's first anti-American president" during which:

Limbaugh sarcastically suggests that we build a Hindu Temple next to Pearl Harbor and a Mosque next to the Pentagon... without realizing that Shinto, not Hinduism, is the most common religion in Japan, and there is already a Mosque inside the Pentagon and a Shinto temple next to Pearl Harbor.

It's the sad, painfully irrelevant sound of one hand masturbating.

Racist F*cks & NAACP Slowpokes

The NAACP is finally calling out the Teabaggers for harboring "racist elements that are a threat to our democracy." Like... duh. Could there be anyone alive who does not recognize the racism of the 'baggers? Hell, even the f*ckwits who join them recognize it right off the bat because it's probably what attracts them to begin with. Are Teabaggers racist? Does the Pope sh*t in the woods..?

Racism exists like it always has for lower-income, lower-educated white folks who are angry, scared and harbor a frustrated sense of self-entitlement. Teabaggers are mad because America's uppity blacks finally elected their own president and snatched power from the white folks God gave it to... No fair! They want their ball back! It's racism 101. WTF else could incessant calls from a >99% white group to "take our country back" be taken to mean anyway? It's pretty obvious they want to "take it back" from whoever currently has it... and to them, that's minorities.

If a group is locked in a war against minority participation in power, it should not be considered a stretch to accuse them of racism. Since Obama got elected, the 'baggers have been doing just that: fighting a war - just like the Klan did after civil rights passed - and they're dividing their perceived enemy into groups to pick off one by one.

First there was Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae who the wingnuts would tell you blew up the entire world economy by giving out mortgages to "risky borrowers" (i.e., minorities).

Then there was the evil ACORN - a group they'd tell you exists only to help pimps, drug users and other conservative-approved minority stereotypes.

Now there's the New Black Panther Party and the Obama administration. To the 'baggers, the government itself is the ultimate community organization working to radicalize and empower minorities and the NBPP is just one of its dusky tentacles. Not even the awkward fact that it was Bush's government, not Obama's, that dropped voter intimidation charges against the NBPP kills the meme that the 'black government' DOJ was in cahoots with black racists.

There is no doubt. There is no question. These people are stone cold racist a**holes. And for the NAACP to hang back so long before calling them out is inexplicable.

You Know How I Know You're a Socialist..?

A poll by Democracy Corps found that a full 55% of likely voters believe the word "socialist" describes the president either "well" or "very well." This might sound nuts, but I suspect the explanation might be revealed with the unasked follow-up: What is Socialism anyway? I'd bet 100% of respondents wouldn't have a damn clue.

In America, "Socialist" has become a lazy, generic put-down rendered meaningless by repetition, a great non sequitor... Basically a grown-up equivalent of high school kids using "gay" to disparage everything from X-Box 360s to non-brand tennis shoes. But if Obama were a socialist president, he'd just be one of many it seems:

"George W. Bush might have now nationalized more companies than Hugo Chavez. He certainly has nationalized companies with far greater worth. Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and now AIG. Let alone the bailouts of Bear Stearns and all the rest. Who knew George Bush would turn out to be such a socialist?"
Cenk Uygur, Huffington Post

"Bill Clinton's State of the Union speech reveals a socialist who wants to take away your freedom."
John Doggett, WorldNetDaily.com

"Ronald Reagan, icon of the conservative movement whose mere mention of his name causes social and fiscal conservatives to bow their heads in deep reverence, was a Socialist. That's right -- Ronald Reagan was a Socialist."
Lee Ward, Wizbang Blue

Socialist President? It's the American way... suck that Sweden!

Fox News: The Manson Family Media Arm

Once upon a time, a lapsed Scientologist by the name of Charlie Manson came up with a masterplan for world domination between bouts of group sex and LSD. As a first step, Manson hit on the idea of trying to spark an apocalyptic race war by slaughtering wealthy white folks and planting clues at the scenes to implicate The Black Panthers.

Once enough murders had been done to provoke a white backlash and 'Helter Skelter' got underway, Manson figured he could just hunker down in the desert and emerge as self-appointed world leader once all the mayhem died down. But he got busted for stealing beach buggies before the plan got far from the drawing board. So the rest, as they say, is history.

Or is it?

With The Manson Family still safely locked away, it seems the 'Helter Skelter' baton was simply passed to Fox News...

WTF am I talking about? Well, there's an eccentric group of angry black racists in Dallas who call themselves the New Black Panther Party. But they're not proper Black Panthers, just a wannabe bunch of NOI'ers and assorted cracker-haters offering a support group for hatin' on whitey - pretty much a mirror image of the Caucasian KKK.

The original Black Panthers are at pains to disassociate themselves from the NBPP and veterans of the 60s movement have sued them to quit using their damn name. But they just carry on regardless... In 2008, the NBPP were brought to the attention of the DOJ for patrolling polling stations in Philly conducting what was claimed to be voter intimidation. But the DOJ rejected the complaint because no crime could be proven to have taken place. So guess what happens next?

Fox News puts on a veritable mini-special about the otherwise totally obscure NBPP showing footage of scary black guys yelling that "cracker babies should be killed" and such like. Fox then goes on to tie them to the Obama admin by implying that the DOJ's decision not to prosecute was an act of government complicity rather than a straightforward legal decision based on First Amendment rights. And all this is done on national TV by reckless f*ckwits who laughably call themselves journalists.

Even using my indoor 'voice of reason', I can't imagine any intellectual contortion by which this bullsh*t is defensible... unless you're quite literally following Charles Manson's Helter Skelter M.O.

Fox, as so often they do, are scaring their audience into an angry lather, stoking race hatred and pinning blame where it doesn't belong. For whatever reason, they are following Manson's ideas to a tee by turning black and white against each other and seeking to trash whatever steps toward a safe and tolerant multiracial society we may have taken over the past few generations. I'm not sure why they do it... but Charlie would be proud.

Today's Thoughts of Chairman Limp-Baugh

After a brief post-nuptial sabbatical, Limp-baugh is back. And with a vengeance. Of late, Hu-pig is hitting above his average and the wrong - both factual and moral - is gushing like a busted oil well.

Hu-pigs pronouncements are a bitter-sweet thing. Hell, I wish to God he could shut up permanently... maybe assisted by a blunt chainsaw to that squished-up area of greasy flab that constitutes his throat. But then I'd really miss those Limp-baugh salvos into America's "culture war" that do so much to show c*ntservatism up for the bankrupt non-philosophy it is. With every word he grunts, Hu-pig just reminds the sane how right they are to despise him and everything he represents. So here we go...

Grunt, squeal... Hu-pig announces that Obama "wouldn't have been voted president if he weren't black". Because, of course, American history is chock-full of black presidents and whitey never gets a break. I'm sure we all remember those pundit analyses back in 2007-8... "Yeh, I think America isn't really ready to not vote for a black president."

Hu-pig then expands this surrealistically stupid riff by claiming "If Obama weren't black he'd be a tour guide in Honolulu". Really? How does this even make pretend sense? Is Hawaii full of bitter white guys who shelved their doomed presidential ambitions to become tour guides instead? Ahh... That's why the guy with the mic on the open-top bus in Honolulu looks Al Gore...

Once that oh-so patriotic trashing of our elected C-in-C is done, Hu-pig now ventures fearlessly into the world of science and math. O-oh... anyone spot a red flag? Nope. Not Hu-pig. Instead it's cloven hoof to the metal and out comes this: "Most of these claims about Muslim contributions to science and math are myths". It is for pearls of wisdom such as this that Hu-pig is worth every penny of his MMMMMMMMMMMXIICV per-year salary.

Enough already! I'll just leave you with this last scary thought from Limp-baugh acknowledging his position as de facto conservative supremo:

"The center of the universe is not the RNC. It's right here"

Yup. Much as the wingnuts may scoff when liberals accuse them of being led by Limp-baugh, according to the Hu-pig himself it is true.

The Wingnut Culture of Corporate Infallibility

Says the British Daily Mail:

President Obama was facing a growing backlash last night over the U.S. government's slow response to the oil spill disaster... Critics compared Mr Obama's belated attempts to contain the catastrophe to George W Bush's dithering over Hurricane Katrina.

Who are these critics? Smell a wingnut meme? Limp-baugh says the incident would be remembered as “Obama’s Katrina" (because he'd really like it to be).

But here's a funny thing... aren't the people equating the gulf oil spill to Katrina the same folks who'd still contend Bush did nothing wrong back in 2005? So wouldn't Obama be blameless too by their own logic? But I digress...

I appreciate corporations can do no wrong in Limp-baugh's eyes and Obama is bound by some absolute law of the cosmos to always be wrong. But wouldn't it behoove them to blame BP for their slow response to a disaster of their own making?

Partisan bias is one thing, but a point-blank refusal to criticize corporations for anything is a uniquely American psychosis.

NY Dodges Bullet

Hard to find anyone online who is simply glad the Times Square car bomb didn't go off. Everyone seems too busy prematurely blaming "Muslims" so they can then blame Obama for being 'soft on terrorism'. What sad times we are living in. Do you think:

A It's al Qaeda?
B It's left wing wackos?
C It's teabaggers?
D I'm just glad hundreds of people didn't die?

Check 'D' and consider yourself sane.

While on the subject of wingnuts trying to portray Obama as some kind of hapless stooge in the 'war on terror', The Velvet Straitjacket makes a good point that more Obama Derangement Syndrome victims should be made aware of:

We’ve killed or captured more terrorist leaders under Obama’s 1st year than we did in the last year of Bush. We’ve had more ‘drone-launched missile strikes’ in President Obama’s 1st year than in Bush’s last 3 years. We are spending more money to “expand secretive Special Operations units, deploy more unmanned aerial drones” , but somehow it’s not good enough because President Obama doesn’t torture.

Blame Obama. Somehow.

Finding a way to pin the blame for the gulf oil disaster on Obama would be something of a conserva-nut wet dream. They're hard at work on this at Sean Hannity's thunk tank...

Makes me wonder how these folks are smart enough to remember to breathe. Though I often wish they weren't.

Shooting Fish In a Barrel (continued)

Matt Drudge is a slick piece of sh*t who's made a fortune cutting and pasting news article links of dubious veracity to 'vindicate' the tighty-righty POV.

But up until now, I've refrained from criticizing him on the grounds that there are way too many other people in America urgently in need of being called c*nts. I have to prioritize. So many c*nts, so little time...

But Drudge has now made himself a worthy cause by criticizing "Obama's" new $100 bill on the grounds that it "looks European". Yet another sign of the Obama administration's incipient Euro-pansy socialism? Not exactly. The $100 bill comes to us courtesy of George W. Bush c. 2007.

Matt Drudge: I take it back. You are not a slick piece of sh*t. You are a dumb piece of sh*t.

(Ah, those Re-Palin-cans: they hate everything European. Apart from the skin color.)

Sour Grapes

Remember when wingnuts used to like government? Bigger the better as well...

America today is like living through the Salem Witch Trials. So much hysterical bullsh*t flying around, so much fear and anger... when did we all lose our damn minds en masse and become a nation of tin-foil-hatted lunatics?

Today we have teabaggers on social security, Medicare and/or unemployment railing against government spending. We have elected maniacs like Michelle Bachmann saying stuff in public that makes you seriously wonder if she could have Down syndrome (sample: "100% of our economy was private prior to September of 2008").

Then, of course, there's the usual Becks and Limp-baughs making fortunes off of angry teabgaggers and pretending they represent a broad cross-section of regular Americans. It's an interesting myth. Or should I say big fat lie? A new Quinnipiac poll shows the true diversity of the Tea Party movement:

• 74 percent are Republicans or leaning Republican;
• 16 percent are Democrats or leaning Democratic;
• 5 percent are solidly independent;
• 45 percent are men;
• 55 percent are women;
• 88 percent are white;
• 77 percent voted for Sen. John McCain in 2008;
• 15 percent voted for President Barack Obama.

I guess we haven't really been overtaken by madness. It's just the biggest case of sour grapes in history. They don't really hate government... just ones with Democrat majorities.

America Continues to Teem With Tards

Ain't you sick of hearing the screeching minority embarrass the majority of thinking adults in this country? Ain't you sick of grown folks comporting themselves like toddlers on sugar rush come-downs? Ain't you sick of a**holes unashamedly projecting their irrational bigotries and paranoias onto the world as if f*cking stupid is the new normal?

No?

You want to fax your Senator a noose? You want to march on DC to exercise your Second Amendment rights on the day Timothy McVeigh bombed Oklahoma City?

Then roll up your flag, hand it in at the door and f*ck off. You don't belong in America. It's wasted on you.

Obama Saved America? Keep It To Yourself...

Just a small point to make next time you're being told how Obama is destroying the economy by some wingnut ax grinder:

Thirty-eight of the 54 surveyed economists said the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act boosted growth and mitigated job losses, while six said the legislation had a net negative effect.

Oh my... Obama saved the economy? Let's not tell the GOP or their teabagging goon squad.

Insanity

The guy who put up an "Impeach Obama" billboard in Pennsylvania says:

"The billboard is not meant to allege that any particular impeachable offense has been committed; it is simply an expression of frustration by my client that politics in Washington should change to better support small businesses."

So... "Impeach Obama" is not meant to imply he's actually done anything he could be impeached for? Interesting logic. And $1,000 a month well-spent for the billboard, genius.

Kristolnacht

Bill Kristol: the mouthpiece of America's fascist aristocracy.

"You've given yourselves very little room to work in a bipartisan fashion, because what you've been telling your constituents is. 'This guy's doin' all kinds of crazy stuff that's going to destroy America!'"
Barack Obama

"I agree with the president. I think he's been doing all kinds of crazy stuff that risks destroying America. But the good news is, a lot of it's been stopped."
Bill Kristol

So the overprivileged conserva-weasel responds to Obama's criticism of the GOP in his own imitable style.

Really, it's not just a cute pun to say 'Kristolnacht'. Kristol is deliberately shifting blame to Obama rather than the GOP whose really doing the damage. This is very much the same MO as Kristallnacht when the Nazis burned down the Reichstag and blamed 'Jews and communists' for the useful national emergency.

Kristol's revolting rhetoric is just one more reminder how the GOP view our current dire straits as a great opportunity to advance their own return to power. America can go broke, jobless and without healthcare just so long as these Machiavellian pr*cks can get their foot back in the door.

The Mystery of The Conservamind

I've always struggled to understand how cosseting the wealthy ever became a tenet of 'populist' conservatism. Why do Main Street plebs get all mad when anyone proposes skimming off the Wall Street money pile? Why do rich guys who do nothing but rip off working people between rounds of golf end up with so many of those same working people cheerleading for them? Why would a middle class conservative rather starve than see top one-percenters forced to chip in more? Truly, the 'Conservamind' must be distinct from the normal mind for this to seem fair or logical.

For an example of the conservamind in action, check out Red State. They're summarizing Obama's SOTU speech as a tax-hiking manifesto to get the readers all fired up. But the examples of "tax raising" from Obama's speech they cite are:

"A fee on the biggest banks."

"Slash the tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas."

"We will not continue tax cuts for oil companies, investment fund managers, and those making over $250,000 a year."

Like I say, how could this possibly trouble the conservamind? Am I missing something or are they?