Fiddling (Kinda) While Rome Burns

An SEC regional director has been busted for surfing porn at work as the economy crashed a couple of years ago. He's been charged with misusing "government computer resources and official time" and earned himself one of the most embarrassing write-ups in the history of bad write-ups.

The investigation report shows that David Ito was busying himself visiting 'ladyboy' porn sites during the "nadir of the financial crisis". He admitted to investigators that he "viewed porn" in his office "up to twice a day."

Love the euphemistic use of the word 'viewed'. Conjures up an image of an art critic stroking his beard in front of a Monet rather than a bored bureaucrat stroking his... never mind.

Spanish Solo Sex Ed

Government officials in Extremadura, Spain have launched a campaign aimed at teaching school kids "sexual self-exploration and the discovery of self-pleasure". The campaign includes leaflets, flyers, a fanzine and masturbation workshops.

"The campaign is simple, clear, natural and easily understood by the people it is aimed at, who are aged between 14 and 17," they say.

Could there be anything more redundant than teaching 14-17-year-olds how to jerk off?

Florida Perv Makes Best of it

When Joshua Basso ran out of phone minutes and was unable to call anymore sex lines, he got resourceful and called 911 because 'it was free'. He was charged yesterday with a misdemeanor count of misusing the 911 system for "masturbating while talking to the operator."

Germany's Champion Masturbator

Boasting muscles a superhero would be proud of, Matthias Schlitte has good reason to be considered the toast of the German masturbating circuit.

But a closer look reveals that only one of his arms is bestowed with bulging biceps. The 22-year-old’s whopping right forearm measures nearly 18in – and is in stark contrast to his puny left arm.

[OK, I might have changed one little word in that story...]

Puerility Spasm #1

In Burlington County, PA, bestiality is not yet illegal. So the recent case of a police officer "accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves" morphed into an esoteric courtroom debate as to the nature of the bovine mind and whether or not 'tricking' calves into thinking they were being fed' constituted animal cruelty.

"[Human infants] enjoy the act of suckling," the judge said. "Cows may be of a different disposition." I kid you not...

My imagination was also captured by the fascinating story of the German trucker who flipped his rig while masturbating on the highway. After crashing...

"The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation, according to the local Borås Tidning newspaper."

If they ever start handing out awards for dedication to the onanistic arts, consider this guy the Michael Phelps of cracking one off.