The Stupid is Strong in This One...

Militant simpleton Mark Williams has announced his fiendish plan to "infiltrate and sabotage" Obama's 2012 campaign by volunteering as a fake campaign worker. Oo-ooh... watch out Muslim Socialists!

Yes. Williams, former Tea Party Express spokesman, is actually dumb enough to announce fiendish plans publicly and ahead of time. Wow. What a bloated f*ckwit he is... And if that wasn't enough, Williams then goes on to blog about Obama's web site ever so sinisterly filling in his address for him when he signed up online:

Eerily enough the Obama campaign web site automatically filled in my home address when I entered my email address... I wonder how they had my home address?

Yes. This 'bagger is also dumb enough not to know that web browsers have an auto-complete feature built in.

Damn.

Just to be helpful, I'm adding a screen shot of the auto-complete feature in action as it kicks in when one Googles the incomplete phrase "Mark Williams is a...". See how it works, Sparky?

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised...

...Nor, sadly, is it likely to happen any time soon. But stirring words here from Paul B. Farrell at MarketWatch:

Wake up folks. The Super-Rich Delusion is destroying the American Dream for the rest of us. The Super Rich don’t care about you. They’re already stockpiling for the economic time bomb dead ahead. Don’t say you weren’t warned. Time for you to plan ahead for the coming revolution, for another depression.

Farrell equates America's grotesquely top-heavy socio-economic system with those of the Arab countries who've recently started going revolutionary and reckons we're nearly due for an uprising ourselves. But, much as I'd love to see our chubby masses take to the streets in anger, I can't see it happening.

Years ago, America hit on the perfect antidote to revolution: delusionary aspiration. It's that crazy dream of one day being rich that keeps our f*cked over working people tame. In Arab countries they never had that. Their dictators stuck with old-school methods of oppression like torture and fostering an overpowering absence of hope for their peoples - a pressure destined to pop. That's why there are riots in Bahrain but there'll never be in America. Sorry...

News From The Corporatocracy

Says Seattle Pi:

Transocean Ltd. gave its top executives bonuses for achieving the "best year in safety performance in our company's history" — despite the explosion of its oil rig that killed 11 people and spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

That's America. Stuff that would provoke bloody revolutions in most countries just constitutes a slow news day here.

Charlie Sheen Implosion

Tom Sizemore: the 1990s Charlie Sheen?

I'm a giant fan of Tom Sizemore. There's something uncompromisingly heroic about the way he's lived life to its fullest and unselfishly pissed away all the good fortune that came his way. This is the guy who went from major roles in blockbuster movies (Pulp Fiction, Saving Private Ryan, Blackhawk Down, etc.) to sleeping on a garage floor in Whittier, CA, and getting busted for faking a court-mandated pee test by way of a product called "The Whizzinator". This is the stuff of legend. Sample Sizemore anecdote:

"I never really drank before," he says. "I'd always used narcotics until two years ago, not cocaine, the other one. I came home drunk and asked my wife for the cooking wine. She refused so I said, 'I'm going to the store.' She said, 'If you leave, I'm calling the police.' I said,' F*ck you.' So she hits 911 and I'm like, 'Alright, you win,' and she hangs up. Minutes later, six police officers were at the door. They shouted 'Step the f*ck outside.' I said, 'Suck my f*ckin' d*ck, get on your f*ckin' horses..." I started some cowboy motif that I never finished because they grabbed me."

So where was I going with this random fan babble? Oh yes... Charlie Sheen.

For a while, Charlie was threatening to overtake Tom Sizemore in my personal Valhalla of the Hollywood Heroes. All that talk of tennis ball-sized cocaine chunks, tiger blood and porn stars locked in closets piqued my curiosity. Then he basically says "f*ck you" to NBC and launches a new career as a live performer. Wow. "This'll be good" I thought...

But no.

Sheen's Webcast turned out a boring slab of sub-frat crappiness that the Hollywood Reporter labeled "cable access at its worst". Then his first live show ended 20 minutes early because the crowd booed him off-stage and left. Sorry, Charlie, you ain't no Sizemore for the aughts.

The (Deceased) Elephant In The Room

I'm not going to go all PETA on the "GoDaddy CEO Shoots Elephant" thing. Like most situations, it's not black and white, it's gray... and the really damning aspects are largely ignored because we're too lazy to think past our gut reactions.

For instance, I'll take Bob Parsons' defense: elephants are big, destructive motherf*ckers who trample and eat crops and can spell death for subsistence farmers teetering on the brink of survival. So now, thanks to Parsons' hunting trip, one farmer's sorghum field is saved, a family is less likely to starve and the village got a butt load of Dumbo meat to throw on the grill.

But there's a bad side: in the process, Parsons also gets to indulge his white hunter fantasies and the insane Zimbabwean government gets a sizable cash injection by way of whatever exorbitant fees Parsons paid for his trip. This is some exploitative, culturally chauvinist bullsh*t straight out of a 1940s Tarzan movie.

And then there's the details: While Parsons' PR team have him play up the hunting trip as some kind of humanitarian mission, can anyone seriously picture a billionaire CEO picking up his rifle, yelling "a Zimbabwean subsistence farmer needs my help!" and flying half way round the world out of the goodness of his heart? No. The humanitarian excuses are just plain stupid. Parsons is a redneck who made out selling domain names on the web and, like most rednecks, he likes shooting stuff. Now he just has enough money to pay top dollar to kill really big stuff in exotic locations. He ain't Doctors Without f*cking Borders, so cut the humanitarian crap.

If Parsons was on the level, he could have paid for shock fences to be built to save those farmers' crops. He could have paid for the relocation of the elephant herd. Maybe he could have just sent over a bunch of guns so the farmers could have taken care of the 'pest problem' for themselves..? No. That wouldn't fly because those poor farmers Parsons is supposed to be saving are not allowed to shoot elephants themselves because that would disrupt the very lucrative hunter/tourist business. Sure, says the Zimbabwean government, your family might starve next time an elephant gets the munchies, but you can't go shooting them yourself and thus deprive a rich foreigner like Parsons of things to kill on vacation. So who's helping who and who's screwing who in this scenario?

Forbes V. The Free Market

When Apple struck a "gay cure" app off of its store list, most people were glad they'd done the right thing and sent the homophobic snake-oil peddlers packing. But not Victoria Pynchon at Forbes.

Pynchon objects to Apple becoming our "national gatekeeper" by controlling what content goes out on their bit of the Web. Hmm... I can't help thinking it's ironic of Forbes to be advocating against the freedom of business and pushing the notion that Apple should somehow be forced to carry a product that they and the majority of their customers find offensive. Oh, I get it: the free market should only be free if you're not a big ol' lefty corp like Apple or Google. Sorry. My bad.

Ernest Goes To Government

Tom Marino, Pennsylvania pol and flunker of geography.

First we had Sarah Palin thinking Africa was a country. Now we have Tom Marino (R-PA) not knowing that Libya is part of Africa.

Jeez, I'm sick of these idiots.

How does a clueless f*ck like Marino get to help run a country when he clearly knows less about countries than most fifth-graders forget during recess? Screw the vogue-ish "big government" bull - it's not big government that's dangerous, it's dumb government. And that's what Marino, Michele Bachmann, John Cornyn, et al., are representing to the fullest.

Ponder on how America was a product of the Enlightenment... WTF happened? When did we throw out the rarified intellectualism of the founding fathers and go all "Ernest Goes To Government" instead? When did we go from James Garfield writing Latin and Greek simultaneously to idiots like Joe "You Lie" Wilson who seem scarcely capable of crayoning their own names? Was it the folksy anti-smartypantsism of Reagan that lowered the bar? Was it Gingrich's dullard 'revolution' of the 90s  that lowered our expectations? Did Bubba's blow job somehow make us give up on the idea of transcendent leadership? I don't know... but, at some point, we obviously did give up and decided it was OK to have idiots lead us. And now our federal and state governments teeter on the brink of collapse.

This is scary sh*t.

So I'd be 100% on-board with Crooks and Liars in wondering whether now would be a good time to institute a basic competence test for elected officials. For "dumb" America, that would be a great first step forward on the road to recovery. You don't know where Libya is? Then f*ck off out of the capitol and get a job at Subway. Wouldn't we all be safer for it?

Karma

Picture the scene: you're standing in line at your local convenience store waiting to buy a lottery ticket. Another customer, being a rude a-hole, cuts in front of you and buys his ticket first. You tut and get yours next... you win the $319 million jackpot.

“There is pretty much no better comeback than, ‘Thanks for the $319 million, jerkoff,’” notes the Daily Intel blog.