Sunday, March 13, 2011

On Monogamy

Newt Gingrich: retired man whore, born-again monogamist and would-be president.

When I was a young buck, I thought monogamy was a hardwood they made coffee tables from. Back then, the idea of monogamy (i.e., f*cking the same woman for the rest of my life) was horrifying. How can people do that..? I wondered as my friends started pairing off into marriage. But then I reached the tipping point most guys reach sooner or later: I was ready. I met one woman I could see myself loving for the rest of my life and I've now been locked down in happy monogamy for 10+ years. It's really no big whup and requires little effort on my part not to cheat.

It's not like I'd expect a pat on the back for being a faithful husband, but I always feel a little smug whenever I read about sleazy pols screwing around on the missus. To me, it's pathetic that so many public figures - from John Edwards thru Mark Sanford - can't even do what I do every f*cking day. Shouldn't a leader be in some way better than us regular folk? I'm not asking for Moses, just someone who can at least keep their d*ck in their pants. (And, dear conservatives, I thought the exact same of Bubba Clinton so don't be accusing me of hypocrisy.) Monogamy is no be-all-end-all gauge for leadership. But it's a good start.

So now, inevitably, we come to Newt Gingrich. Because talking about infidelity without mentioning Gingrich would be like talking football and not mentioning Jerry Rice...

As Gingrich starts 'testing the waters' for yet another quixotic charge at the presidency, I think "oh hell, no." This yo-yo-zippered crotch weasel has had more off-side p*ssy than most of the Hollywood louches he professes to despise. He's ruthlessly dumped two previous wives like broken TVs when they got sick and has betrayed more women than the Equal Pay Act of 1963. And this sh*tbag really thinks he's worthy of leading me??? No, Newt. I think, at the very least, a qualification for office should be the ability to work a full day without scampering off the job for a sly f*ck in Argentina or hitting the local oncology hospital to dump your wife. This is the kind of stuff that makes you a disgusting pig not a leader.

Hilariously, Gingrich has taken to defending his past infidelities as episodes of him focusing on "loving his country" so much, he forgot to love his wives. I guess he'd call it cheating for America if he could trademark the term... But that was then and this now: now he's reformed and ready to lead. Really? Somehow, we're supposed to admire this aged buffoon for reaching the level of maturity most of us get to in our mid twenties? Gail Collins at the NYT puts it nicely:

People, can we all agree now that men who spend their early and middle ages betraying women right and left are not allowed to get credit for discovering the joys of monogamy at about the same time that they receive their first Social Security check?

Good call. Does Gingrich really think we're dumb enough to give a burned out septuagenarian with a prostate the size of Cuba props for not screwing around after a living a full, debauched life absent of self-control and responsibility? My, are our standards really as low as Newt hopes they are?



  1. I can't help but think that with the current stable of republican pricks and morons, the dems will walk easily back into all branches of gov't in '12.

  2. Don't know this person, but going off the photo here, the fact that he has actually managed to have lots of affairs with various women strikes me as quite a mind-bender.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.