Friday, October 1, 2010

Guns, C*cks N' Texas

Here's a weird but predictable story from Texas:

A Texas bank has created a new rule allowing concealed-handgun owners in the building... "No damn Yankee is going to tell us what to do," said [bank president Ed] Smith. "I got to thinking we have a right to bear arms," said Smith. "People who have a conceal carry license are welcome here with their pistols." The premise is boldly stated on the front door. "Management recognizes the 2nd amendment to the U.S. Constitution," the sign reads.

If you're a "damn Yankee" or any other kinda foreigner, you might think a bank inviting its customers to carry concealed weapons is a little odd. From a common-sense perspective, there isn't much. So what could drive a guy to want to override the natural laws of self-preservation and bring in this crazy rule? How does it make sense?

First off, don't worry, I'm not going to go all anti-gun. There's a clear distinction between gun owners and gun nuts and I recognize that. It's just that some people take things too far into weird and leave you wondering what underlying psychological problem drives their obsession. I know it's corny, but I often wonder if gun crazies secretly like c*ck. There. I said it.

Don't you ever wonder how much sublimated gayness abounds amongst the gun fetishists like the NRA who take the whole thing way out of proportion? How gay-for-guns, how literally queer are guys like Ed Smith? Sorry, but you can't get away from it: Guns are recognized by psychologists as "potent penis symbols". And there are few things a gay guy, closeted or not, likes more than a big, powerful c*ck. Calvin S. Hall writes in "A Cognitive Theory of Dream Symbols":

All of the referents are concrete things, people, or activities, and similarly all of the symbols, as gun for penis, bag for vagina, ploughing for coitus, playing the piano for masturbating, queen for mother, king for father, apple for breast, etc., are concrete things, people, or activities. In short, something concrete, the symbol, is substituted for something else concrete, the referent.

Sure, you can own guns, you can shoot guns, you can even keep them on your nightstand for protection if that makes you sleep easier. That doesn't make you Richard Simmonds in redneck drag. But all them bubbas who talk about little else and spend hour upon hour cleaning and maintaining their guns with loving, masturbatory indulgence? You got to wonder sometimes.

Like, for example, I was reading about "Bohemenian Rhapsody"  yesterday after I wondered idly what the hell that long-ass song was supposed to be about. Interesting trivia fact: some psychologists interpret the song as a metaphorical narrative about Freddie Mercury struggling with and coming to terms with his own sexuality - all told in a suitably flamboyant operatic format:

The narrator explains to his mother that he has "just killed a man", with "a gun against his head" and with that act thrown his life away... Highlighting the phallic nature of guns, Judith Peraino [Cornell University Music Professor] suggests that the song is a "melodrama of homoeroticism".

Like I said, it's corny, but I'm sure some guys play with guns because they can't play with c*cks and they really, really want to. Ain't that a "melodrama of homoeroticism" right there?

If you own a gun and you don't agree with my gay-for-guns theory, maybe laugh a little or call me a liberal douche... fine. But if you own a gun and just the merest suggestion that you could be overcompensating for something makes you want to kill me, just ask yourself if you shouldn't just switch off Fox, go suck a d*ck and be happy. Might make the world a much safer and happier place for both of us.



  1. First let me say, I have a gay child who is the most wonderful person in the world and has given me nothing but joy. I am not homophobic non apt to disparage gay people.

    But I find it amusing how rednecks actually DO display a lot of gay behavior. Guns, big trucks, powerful cars, big motor cycles. . . all penis replacements. I figure, they're either gay or their penis is really, really fucking small.

    Another thing. . . tomorrow I'm having lunch with one of my female friends. I have a number of female friends. I enjoy getting a perspective on life that isn't saturated with testosterone and all the drama and play acting that goes with it. Sometimes I like estrogen drama. It's not about pussy, it's about listening and sharing perspective. I can tell my female friends things I can't comfortably tell my male friends.
    How many rednecks bubbas have female friends? All that I know hang out in packs of men. They get together at night with males, they spend all day saturday with males. When they're not with their male pack mates, they're sitting in front of the TV making life miserable for whatever woman has been so unfortunate as to stumble into their lives.
    Redmeck bubbas don't go out looking for women. Women really do "stumble" into their lives. If they're at a dirt bike rally or riding their 4 wheeler (oversized big wheel), they might hook up with some shit magnet of a woman who thinks that's the place to find "real men."
    That's why so many redneck bubbas marry their cousin. . . they just happen to be there and it beats having to leave the holler and his male packers to find one unrelated.
    Makes you wonder just what all those rednecks are doing down there on the river bank fishing every night 1/2drunk and stoned.
    Just my ideas on the matter. Perhaps we need to develop this hypothesis. Get it published and it might blow the doors off of gun shows, monster truck events, 4 wheeler dealerships (if only) and other redneck institutions.

  2. First off, I wouldn't disparage gays except in the same humor I'd disparage anyone. I have a gay nephew. You'd think he'd have a hard time in rural TX. But his dad's as redneck as they come and doesn't have a problem with it. The only problem he has is with his drinking buddies who always make gay jokes about his son and he has to smile and suck it up in good humor. But it always cracks me up how much the 'straight' guys talk about the gay issue with my nephew. Real in-depth conversations like "so what do you guys do in bed anyway?" or "when did you figure you liked dudes?" that seem to go on way too long. And don't get me started on the totally non-homoerotic wrestling!


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