Guns, C*cks N' Texas

Here's a weird but predictable story from Texas:

A Texas bank has created a new rule allowing concealed-handgun owners in the building... "No damn Yankee is going to tell us what to do," said [bank president Ed] Smith. "I got to thinking we have a right to bear arms," said Smith. "People who have a conceal carry license are welcome here with their pistols." The premise is boldly stated on the front door. "Management recognizes the 2nd amendment to the U.S. Constitution," the sign reads.

If you're a "damn Yankee" or any other kinda foreigner, you might think a bank inviting its customers to carry concealed weapons is a little odd. From a common-sense perspective, there isn't much. So what could drive a guy to want to override the natural laws of self-preservation and bring in this crazy rule? How does it make sense?

First off, don't worry, I'm not going to go all anti-gun. There's a clear distinction between gun owners and gun nuts and I recognize that. It's just that some people take things too far into weird and leave you wondering what underlying psychological problem drives their obsession. I know it's corny, but I often wonder if gun crazies secretly like c*ck. There. I said it.

Don't you ever wonder how much sublimated gayness abounds amongst the gun fetishists like the NRA who take the whole thing way out of proportion? How gay-for-guns, how literally queer are guys like Ed Smith? Sorry, but you can't get away from it: Guns are recognized by psychologists as "potent penis symbols". And there are few things a gay guy, closeted or not, likes more than a big, powerful c*ck. Calvin S. Hall writes in "A Cognitive Theory of Dream Symbols":

All of the referents are concrete things, people, or activities, and similarly all of the symbols, as gun for penis, bag for vagina, ploughing for coitus, playing the piano for masturbating, queen for mother, king for father, apple for breast, etc., are concrete things, people, or activities. In short, something concrete, the symbol, is substituted for something else concrete, the referent.

Sure, you can own guns, you can shoot guns, you can even keep them on your nightstand for protection if that makes you sleep easier. That doesn't make you Richard Simmonds in redneck drag. But all them bubbas who talk about little else and spend hour upon hour cleaning and maintaining their guns with loving, masturbatory indulgence? You got to wonder sometimes.

Like, for example, I was reading about "Bohemenian Rhapsody"  yesterday after I wondered idly what the hell that long-ass song was supposed to be about. Interesting trivia fact: some psychologists interpret the song as a metaphorical narrative about Freddie Mercury struggling with and coming to terms with his own sexuality - all told in a suitably flamboyant operatic format:

The narrator explains to his mother that he has "just killed a man", with "a gun against his head" and with that act thrown his life away... Highlighting the phallic nature of guns, Judith Peraino [Cornell University Music Professor] suggests that the song is a "melodrama of homoeroticism".

Like I said, it's corny, but I'm sure some guys play with guns because they can't play with c*cks and they really, really want to. Ain't that a "melodrama of homoeroticism" right there?

If you own a gun and you don't agree with my gay-for-guns theory, maybe laugh a little or call me a liberal douche... fine. But if you own a gun and just the merest suggestion that you could be overcompensating for something makes you want to kill me, just ask yourself if you shouldn't just switch off Fox, go suck a d*ck and be happy. Might make the world a much safer and happier place for both of us.