They Do Things Different In Alabama

Bradley Byrne: Biblical enough for Alabama?

Alabama Republican gubernatorial candidate Bradley Byrne told the Mobile Press-Register that "I believe there are parts of the Bible that are meant to be literally true and parts that are not."

That was November last year. Now, after a campaign of holier-than-thou hate from opposing GOP'ers, Byrne has 'demoderated' his stance to "I believe the Bible is true. Every word of it."

I guess Alabaman Republicans are slow to catch on to Article VI, section 3, of the US Constitution that states "no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States." Bless 'em. Things move slower down there... it's only been 233 years after all.

If you believe the Bible, fine. But if you believe every word of the Bible unconditionally and without interpretation? You're a f*cking lunatic. Here, again, are my favorite examples of why Biblical literalism is an insane position:

"Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it must be put to death"
Exodus 31:14

"Prepare a place to slaughter his sons for the sins of their forefathers; they are not to rise to inherit the land and cover the earth with their cities."
Isaiah 14:21

"Whoever is captured will be thrust through; all who are caught will fall by the sword. Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives ravished."
Isaiah 13:15-16

"A curse on him who is lax in doing the LORD's work! A curse on him who keeps his sword from bloodshed!"
Jeremiah 48:10

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do."
Exodus 21:7-11

"If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her."
Deuteronomy 22:28-29

"If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death"
Deuteronomy 22:23-24

"Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the LORD must be destroyed."
Exodus 22:20

"If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. You must certainly put him to death."
Deuteronomy 13:6-9

"If you hear it said about one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods you have not known)... you must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town."
Deuteronomy 13:12-15

"I want to remind you that the Lord delivered his people out of Egypt, but later destroyed those who did not believe."
Jude 5

So, I guess, if you're running for office in Alabama, your campaign promises should include the following measures just to show you're 100% serious about the Bible:

• Death penalty for working on Sundays
• Extending the death penalty to also include sons of offenders
• Slavery for women
• Legalization of rape for non-virgins
• Death penalty for sex with engaged virgins
• Death penalty for non-Christians