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Science breakthrough: marine biologists discover world's gayest-looking crab.

Coulter On Terror

I'm tempted to say Ann Coulter must have lost her damn mind. But I guess the screeching he-bitch would had to have found it first for that to be possible.

On Bill O'Reilly's show yesterday Coulter was talking about those crafty terr'ists stashing explosives in hard to find places and the difficulties involved in finding them.

"Unless the bomb is inserted under the foreskin- and, by the way, I don’t see a clear angle on the anus- that’s a pretty easy hiding place for this."

Not to try and be logical in the face of overwhelming insanity, but I believe Allah, like Yahweh, frowns upon foreskins. And, if there were any Muslims with foreskins willing to be recruited as al Qaeda suicide bombers, would any have foreskins capacious enough to hide bombs capable of blowing holes in airliners?

Coulter also disapproved of full-body scans. Natch. I'm sure he wouldn't want those secret balls of his showing up on a screen at the airport thus blowing his thinly disguised cover.

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Some of the strangely specific rules Country music covers adhere to... (via Cracked)

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F*ck yeh! Ranking high on the list of 'Fights You Wouldn't Want To Break Up'.

Random Picture of the Day

Craigslist founder Craig Newmark has posted a weirdly hypnotic live stream of his backyard deck. I'd wonder why if I cared.

MC Steele Has a Book... Yay!

Micheal Steele, dauntless proponent of Republican Hip Hop values, has a book out.

It's a straight-to-landfill tome entitled "Right Now: A 12-Step Program For Defeating The Obama Agenda".

Shouldn't this pile of crap be more properly entitled "Right Now: A 12-Step Program For Denying the Democratic Will of The American People Who Elected Barack Obama by a Landslide Majority"?

Just what is the fetid mystery meat contained within Steele's mango-pit-shaped head? I'd call him an idiot but I'd probably get hate mail from the American Association of Idiots. And deserve it.

Inside The Mind of Glenn Beck. (One at a Time Please, Space is Limited)

Glenn Beck had a folksy anecdote with which to entertain his listeners the people who stare catatonically at the radio wondering why they can't see him.

Apparently, Beck vacationed next door to Katie Couric - archenemy of Benita Mooselini - over the holidays and joked about being disappointed he wasn't invited to her party on New Year's Eve. He then pondered crashing it anyway before adding, weirdly, "Maybe If I’d thought about it earlier, we could have all had chili and Ex-lax and filled the bathrooms at her house."

I'm no authority on pranking. But when Ex-lax and explosive diarrhea are involved, shouldn't the goal be to have it happen to the prankee not the pranker? I would have thought Beck's scenario was more a prank on himself not Couric. So does this illogical prankery betray:

1. A secret masochistic streak on Beck's part? (Maybe so. After all, Beck is one of very few adults ever to have converted to Mormonism.)

2. Presenile dementia? (Maybe so. After all, Beck is one of very few adults ever to have converted to Mormonism.)

3. A severe inability to formulate logical plans? (Maybe so. After all, Beck is one of very few adults ever to have converted to Mormonism.)

4. Oh, you get the idea...

Wha..?

Unsurprising that Pat Buchanan came out in favor of Pastor Hume's efforts to convert the heathen Tiger Woods to the way of Jeebus.

But it was surprising to see an alarmingly Muslim-looking dude sharing a page with Pat via one of those chance juxtapositions of page content and paid advertising. Even stranger, Mid-East dude's running for Governor of Texas. Wha..?

The good news for Pat, and the """Good Christians""" of my state, is that Farouk Shami is not a Muslim. The bad news? He's a Quaker.

Ha!

With the election of Annise Parker, the openly gay mayor of Houston, and a Quaker running for Governor, it seems we're working hard to buck the red state stereotype here in Texas. But stay tuned for the 'dykes and pacifists coming for your guns' ads that will inevitably and cheesily ensue.

A Big Fat So What?

Says Greg Sargent at The Plum Line:

"Some interesting new numbers buried in the new Gallup poll suggest that the fear and loathing Obama inspires in Republicans is bordering on the historic.

The numbers show that Republicans are significantly less optimistic about America’s future right now than they were during the presidency of Jimmy Carter — a figure as hated by Republicans as just about anyone."

First: No-one with half a brain and a shred of dignity left intact would admit to being a 'Republican' anymore. 'Republican' is now shorthand for uninformed sociopath. So the fact that Obama doesn't score a big fat zero must be hugely encouraging for the Dems.

Second: Who gives a flying f*ck what these retards "think" anyway? Why do the pollsters insist on calling them every five minutes to check if they still hate the president?

Help. I Like O'Reilly Today...

I can't help propping Bill O'Reilly for this exchange he had with Palin. They're talking about her shambolic 'what do you read?' interview with Katie Couric:

Palin: I think if most normal Americans were put in the same position that I was there, they'd probably look at her and have that proverbial eye roll and say are you kidding me?

O'Reilly: If they knew.

Palin: Are you suggesting that I don't read?

Thanks Bill! (Don't worry, I'll get back to hating you tomorrow.)

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Nicolas Cage as Sarah Palin via 'Nic Cage As Everyone' which contains nothing but P'shopped images of... err... Nicolas Cage as everyone. Why? Why not.

Obama Still Black, Racists Still Pissed.

In Georgia:

"A doll was found hanging by a noose in front of a red, white and blue sign that says "Plains, Georgia. Home of Jimmy Carter, our 39th President." A witness told the television station that the doll wore a sign with Obama's name on it."

Pushing The White Trash Envelope

Again, it's sometimes easy for the uninformed to wrongly label Rednecks as White Trash and vice versa. But there are major differences. Take for instance the story of the Georgia couple who were arrested for 'giving six of their children homemade tattoos'.

Even though they got arrested for child abuse, the parents are entirely unrepentant and don't see anything wrong with giving 10-year-olds prison tats.

"I'm their mother," Patty Jo Marsh said late Saturday. "Shouldn't I be able to decide if they get one?"

This is not Redneck. This is textbook, A-grade White Trash.

Jeebus v. Buddha

Brit Hume: Fox News proselytizer.

On Fox News Sunday, Brit Hume had some spiritual advice for Tiger Woods:

"He is said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"

Of course, some nit-pickers might wonder where the hell Hume gets off giving out spiritual advice to sports celebrities on his current affairs show. But that would be an unimaginative reaction.

Given Hume's position on comparative theology - probably 'Jesus rules and all other religions suck' - we can see why he'd be disparaging Buddhism. But as the Dalai Lama and Tiger Woods would know, appearances can deceive and there's one big part of Buddhism Hume and his fellow Fox Newsers would appear to have embraced wholeheartedly:

"In early Buddhism, maya referred to the deceptive nature of the ego and its perception of the world of appearances and forms, which an unenlightened individual accepts as the only reality."

Jeez, this sounds like it could be part of Fox News' mission statement.

Useless Information

In an article entitled '50 Things we know now that we didn't know this time last year', Jeff Houck lists such facts as:

"Grumpy people think more clearly because negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking."

and

"Surfing the Internet may help delay dementia because it creates stimulation that exercises portions of the brain."

These are facts people. Do with them what you will.

Save The World, Stop Getting Along!

Neofash dweeb Eric Bolling, guest-hosting for Glenn Beck, said something yesterday that's almost stunning when you think about it:

"Political correctness, can't we all just get along? It gets people killed, does it not?"

'Getting along' gets us 'killed'? I'd never thought about it before. Thank you Eric Bolling for straightening my thinking and showing me how I can make the world a better place.

Effective immediately, I will start yelling abuse at my next door neighbor - maybe burn down his stupid house - instead of politely saying "hi" like some dumb, politically correct automaton. Who knows when the friendly bastard was planning to kill me while I slept as we carried on this dangerous charade of 'getting along'?

In the Mid-east, I'll pray those Jews and Muslims keep not 'getting along' as they do so well... how many people might get killed out there if they ever stopped? I shudder to think.

And what about Rwanda? What about Bosnia? What about Iraq..? Just wonder at all the lives that must have been saved in those oases of tranquility thanks to their inhabitants' aversion to 'just getting along'. Thank God for the curative power of not 'getting along'.

Maybe what we really need is a new, Fox News-endorsed Jesus. Maybe he'd buzz down from Heaven in an F16 and admonish all us faggy peaceniks for getting along. "Sure," says Fox Jesus, "I'll turn the other cheek. So y'all can kiss my white ass!"

America Is Stupid. Official.

America's fourth most admired man? May God have mercy on our souls...

It's long been suspected but finally there's proof that Americans really are stupid. Gallup has just published results for a poll that asked respondents to name their most admired people. Obama made number one by a long chalk. But George W. Bush number two? For f*cking what?

Then it gets even weirder with Glenn Beck trailing Nelson Mandela by only one point for fourth place. In fact, to Americans, Glenn Beck is more admired than the Pope, Billy Graham and Bill Gates.

Really, WTF? Even if you liked Glenn Beck, what the hell has he accomplished? What is there to admire about a TV talking head? Does the ability to throw on a suit and read cue cards now count as an indicator of greatness? Sure, I'm not big on Catholicism, but at least the Pope accomplished something by scrambling his way to the top spot of the Vatican Mafia. Billy Graham and Bill Gates were no slouches either when it came to self-advancement but... Glenn f*cking Beck???

We are even stupider than I feared. Thanks Gallup.

Nothing Wrong With US Healthcare?

Live long and prosper. If you can make the payments.

So Limbaugh is out of hospital and in fine fettle. Inevitably, as he addressed the press upon his release from hospital, this had to come:

"I don't think there's one thing wrong with the United States health system," Limbaugh said.

I guess all those Limbaugh listeners with Medicare or good quality employer plans will believe him. But there are many of us with experiences of the US healthcare system that differ.

2009 sucked for our family. My wife's mom died and, being uninsured, everything she had owned was automatically sucked up by the hospital that treated her in lieu of payment.

We're uninsured too because my wife selfishly chose to have a preexisting condition that prevents us from getting insurance. So we'll also remember 2009 as the year we got a $6,000 bill from the local Baptist hospital ER for a CAT scan and a five minute chat with a doctor (in the case of these good Christians, the quality of mercy was very much strained).

Nothing wrong with that? If you agree, there's either a hole in your brain where reason should be or a hole in your heart where compassion usually resides. But hey, like Limbaugh, you could afford to get it fixed because you obviously have good insurance.

The Redneck New Year Resolution Generator

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There. I think that covers the basics of gas pump safety.

Limbaugh OK

(CNN) -- Tests that were performed on Rush Limbaugh after he was admitted to a Hawaii hospital for chest pains "found absolutely nothing wrong," the conservative talk show host said Friday.

"It was a blessing," Limbaugh said.

This, of course, depends entirely on your point of view. Oh well... better luck next time, America.